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I am an Angry Girl. This is going to be my Angry Girl journal, where I rant about things that are too sad/stupid/crazy/offensive to be written in my other journal. I like pitas. Don't read this if you're easily offended (like me).
Saturday, October 4, 2003
I have my Mid-Terms this week but I am not really studying now because I don't feel like it. I don't think I'm a lazy person, but I just don't understand why I can't be more hardworking. I hate being looked down upon by others - more so than other people... in fact, I'm quite self-conscious about what people think about me. I always suspect that I'm not good enough and that kind of drives me to work harder, to push myself harder. But sometimes I get confused, I'm 19 - aren't I supposed to be having fun?
Saturday, September 20, 2003
It seems that when something happens where it involves me getting angry/sad/disappointed at somebody else, I just don't get it. I don't understand why the other person can be so irresponsible/uncaring/annoying/mean. Time passes and I remain confused. Then one day, the same thing happens again, except I'm in the other person's shoes. This is when I understand what happened then. This, I guess, is when I grow more mature.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
It doesn't seem fair that people just regard me as a crazy girl who laughs all the time but doesn't think. I guess in a way I do give people that impression on purpose.
Monday, September 15, 2003
I have my good days and bad days, like everyone else does.
On bad days, I feel like it's the end of the world. I don't know what I'm doing exactly, time just passes by before I realize it. I know people but it seems that there are no meaningful relationships in my life. I can feel that I'm working hard to the point where it's like swimming but never reaching the other end but I'm tired and I want to give up but I just can't. When nothing seems to go right and everyone's just being cold and nasty. Work seems to be boring and endless.
Then I have good days where I feel like I'm on top of the world. Everything seems fun and people love me. I want to see everybody and chat with everyone because it makes me feel good to have friends. I feel like I've accomplished something and I am just bursting with happineess.
So God is fair. We have our good days and our bad days.
I hope my good days come more often.
Saturday, September 6, 2003
The Chinese say that bitter medicine is the best medicine. The West have no pain no gain. The theory is the same - there's got to be some sort of sacrifice or something you don't like that you have to do before you get something good in return.
Friday, August 22, 2003
Which is worse - anger or indifference?
Anger is a horrible feeling, it feels as if your insides are rotting and suddenly everyone and everything in the world is ugly. You say a lot of things you'd regret later on.
But indifference is when you don't care anymore. It's like an end - when the situation is so helpless that it can't be bettered. You feel numb and you don't care anymore. It marks the end of a relationship. It's sad.
Someone just asked me: "isn't it too overwhelming for you? i see you bury urself in work and socializing... when can you be satisfied for once? with yourself and others?"
Thursday, August 7, 2003
The ugly side of a business - survival of the fittest means that to win, you have to be better than someone else. There is not surviving together.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003
Which is more important? Saying the right thing at the right time or saying what you believe is right?
It seems that I'm always ready for an argument. The thing is, I don't like arguing (who does?) but when opinions differ, I strive to be heard. Lots of people think otherwise, that conflicts should be avoided. That's not saying that they would change their minds but they simply won't talk about it anymore. But why *not* talk about it? Different ideas sometimes lead to an even better solution. I don't see anything wrong with a heated discussion as long as no feelings are hurt and we're discussing the concept/issue rather than the person.
That makes sense, doesn't it? So why does it seem that I'm the only one who thinks that way?
But if everyone were like me, it would be one chaotic world.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
I should congratulate you for reading this. If you're reading this, it means that you know that I'm not the person I appear to be. For some reason, probably because of the way I behave normally, people think that I don't have any worries, am probably not responsible and quite immature as well. But I'm not. I worry more than a lot of people, I try my best to be responsible and I understand a lot.
I'm 19 now. Rather than wanting to be older, I sunddenly realize that this is my last year as a teenager and I should have as much as I can. Without saying that I didn't do anything last year (on the contrary, looking back, I was proud of a lot of things I got over), I am looking forward to the next school term at Uni. I want to accomplish more, learn more, meet more friends, try harder at school. 3 years is too short for excitment-filled uni life. Uni has been such a fulfilling experience for me. It made me really happy and really sad too sometimes.,. sometimes frustrated but all of this has made me into a better person (at least, I think I am) ... stronger. It was tough but I'm ready for another year.
But do you want to know? Do you want to know that I worry so much? Sometimes when I find out the happy people are actually very sad inside, I feel bad. Not for them, but for myself because I haven't found the Always Happy Person. I get disappointed, which really isn't fair.
Maybe it's because of my belief in God. Or maybe it isn't even that, but I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Yes, things happen and I go 'why? why?!?!' but then I wait (and sometimes wait and wait and wait) and when something happens, the question always seems to be answered i.e. I always realize why something happened. Without being superstitious, maybe when some things happen that makes something good ends, it just means that it wasn't meant to be. If it continues, it would probably get worse.
I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Sometimes I'm still loud but sometimes I don't feel like saying anything anymore. Simply because thinking of what to say is tiring me out. I can't sleep at night until 2 or 3 a.m. and even then I lie in bed for awhile before falling asleep. I'm a bit physically tired but more emotionally tired. I don't know what I'm tired of actually. The 2 weeks in England has kind of been a break for me, I got to know some people who were strangers to me before, and this was a great experience. I had fun and I could take a break from everyone.
It's like this... if I really disliked something about a person, and I couldn't stop disliking it, it would cause a lot of discomfort for me too right? But when I wasn't in Hong Kong, I just forgot about it. So now that I've come back, a lot of things doesn't seem to matter so much anymore. Maybe I'm just too tired to pick up all my old emotions again? Is that possible? Sometimes I feel like it is my obligation to make conversation but now I can't really be bothered. They will find something to talk about.
Am I not being myself? Or am I growing quieter? Was the loudness/sillyness just a phase I was going through?
Now I'm really craving some change in my life. Not because I'm not satisfied with what I have. Of course things could be better. But I'm cozy now in my chair with a blanket wrapped around me in an air-conditioned room listening to a good song and knowing that my family is sleeping safe and soundly somewhere else in my flat. I have security and great family and friends. But a change would still be nice.
I haven't really met as much people until after I left secondary school but the more people I meet, the more I know, the more I realize what I don't know. I see what people have accomplished and I realize what I haven't done. I hear about peoples' experience that I have never had. That's why I want to do so much, so much more. Because I know that there is more. It's kind of like an addiction you know?
It's contradictory. On one hand I really feel uncomfortable being around people I am not close with yet when I meet people I get really excited. I wonder what this means.
Thursday, July 3, 2003
Just how different are boys and girls?
When a good friend becomes half-a-friend, then not-a-friend, can we write off his weird behaviour as a 'guy thing'? What if it happens twice?
What about this theory: if you're cheated once, you're the victim but if you're cheated twice you're just stupid.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
I'm not feeling particularly good today - though it was one of the most relaxing days in awhile. I slept, swam, slept, ate and will sleep again - the laziest of lazy days.
There's this nagging feeling. I think it's from the 'lack of feeling good' rather than actually feeling bad.
Things that are particularly disturbing at this moment:
- I treat people who are nice to me worse than I should and I treat people who treat me badly (relatively speaking) much better than I should.
- I care a lot about how people see me - and everyone knows. That's why I spend so much time comparing myself to other people in an attempt to be better.
Friday, June 13, 2003
Life is about compromising isn't it? Not necessarily compromising with people, rather, with the environmental factors that we can't control. Like we *want* to do something or *want* to go somewhere or we *want* to buy something but we can't because we don't have enough time/money/youth/courage to do so.
Everything gets better or worse in stages, in the same direction. If I win an award, putting that award on my list of achievements would make it easier to win another award and so on. That's why the good people get better and the worse people get worst (they get bad grades, get kicked out of school, get a lousy job...). Sure every once in a while we hear of some poor kid who gets to go to an Ivy League school with a scholarship - but for every one of those kids how many disappointed people are there?
Tuesday, June 3, 2003
Do... you... hate.. me .. too?!?!
Friday, May 30, 2003
Angrygirl is not angry today.
Angrygirl is just tired, exhausted.
Tired of not being liked.
Tired of wanting to be liked.
Tired of being subjected to criticism, and unfair criticism, when who I wanted to be was just myself.
Tired of wanting to be a part of somebody - anybody's, life and not succeeding.
Tired of thinking that people think I'm stupid and caring about it.
Tired of being insanely jealous.
Tired of being mean.
Tired of trying to be nice.
Tired of trying to save money.
Tired of trying to look smarter/better when there's no point.
Tired of fighting, thinking, apologizing.
Tired of crying.
Tired of smiling at people I don't want to be with.
Tired of not wanting to be with some people.
Tired of wanting to see people, but not.
Tired of explaining, complaining and ignoring.
Tired of being tired.
Sunday, May 4, 2003
I just realized that I don't really have any long term plans. That's okay when you're only 18 right?
Thursday, April 24, 2003
A *lot* of things were taken care of this week.
I'm learning not to run away. I'm not there quite yet - but I'm trying.
Monday, April 21, 2003
Sometimes I think I have serious problems - which scares me. I seem so loud on the outside but inside I'm not. I want to shout but I can't.
Monday, April 14, 2003
I admire the courage of people who are willing to change. Though I complain time and time again that I don't like what I'm doing - I never have the courage to leave where I am now and look for something different. I am afraid. What if I make a wrong decision? I'm risk averse. Other people seem to make these decisions so much more easily and consequently, have a better time than I do.
Saturday, April 5, 2003
To everyone who thinks I'm lazy: I'm not okay? I'm NOT lazy. Lazy is rave-party goers, people who have nothing better to do than run around MK and laugh at other people. I work okay? Since when did all of you have the right to look at one little part of my life and think I do nothing but play? Just because I smile and laugh doesn't mean that I don't take my life seriously. I do. I work for my grades and just because they aren't as brilliant as yours doesn't mean that I didn't have to make an effort to earn them. I'm sick of everyone thinking that I slack off all the time. Are you besides me 24/7 to see how 'lazy' you think I am? Or are you making that assumption based on what you believe is my life?
Shit. I'm sick of being here, being nothing. I talk to the few sympathetic people who are on ICQ but once I go offline it's as if they never existed. Yes - I know that there are about gazillion people who have had worse luck than I did and they are surviving. So what? Does that take away my right to rant? Damn, I sound like a brat now. But I'm tired of everyone looking down on me.
I'm disappointed.. nobody really cares. They're either too busy with their public exams, their own lives or anything to CARE. Nobody has asked me 'what's wrong' in about a million years though it's freaky how pessimistic I am. Even *I* am tired of hearing myself rant.
I work hard in hope of somebody I know being *proud* of me, being proud to be my parents, my sister, my friend. But at the end of the day - I've got the whole world thinking that I'm lazy and stupid, friends who don't care what I think, people who I used to be close with excluding me from their lives - frequent emails ending with a cheerful 'write back soon' becomes hopeful 'write back soon's which becomes pleading 'please write back soons tho I know you won't' which in the end becomes nothing. Because it's not there anymore. You get sick of trying - you really don't want to stop trying, but you're just too disappointed...
I think too much.
So many questions running through my head now - should I post this? Who will read this? Who will care? Do I care who knows?
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
I've been studying MGTO (management of organizational behaviour) for my mid-terms and I just realized something. According to the perception theory, people behave as they do because of what they perceive to be true which may be different from the objective reality.
Maybe this is the thing that I haven't understood all along - it doesn't matter who is right, or what is right because it's what people believe is the case that matters. This is kind of related to marketing - you have a good product, so what? People have to believe that you have a good product before you can sell it. They have to believe you're selling what they want and what they need.
It's all common sense, so it's scary how long it took for me to realize this.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Good vs Evil
Being good doesn't mean being recognized as good. The evillest types of people can make you seem to be the evil one. That's where the frustration about the unfairness of the whole situation starts to come in. But there's nothing you can do except hope that the evil person will leave you alone.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Nobody has really understood me. Just because I'm outspoken and unafraid to voice my opinions, I seem to always be the one who causes confrontations and thus, conflicts. But I don't. Conflicts make me very upset but I've always thought that justice would prevail so I never hesitated to do what I thought was right. The good guy always wins right?
Now, however, I know that sometimes the good guy loses. I'm too tired to care anymore.
Friday, January 24, 2003
I've been sleeping a lot.
The reason is - I don't want to think.
There's a question that's been resting in my head for quite awhile now - if I'm not particularly happy about what I'm doing, does that make me *unhappy*? Theoretically, it doesn't because you can't expect to be laughing about everything and enjoying yourself all the time. But what about all those people who say that if you're not happy about it, it's not worth doing?
When I try to think logically, I really do believe that I should be happy because I have a lot of things that other people don't have - a comfortable bed, great friends, a happy family and it should be enough. But then my emotions take over and I start to dwell on how unfair things are and how I have to face all sorts of people I hate.
What to do.. what to do?
Friday, January 17, 2003
Oh no, it's happening again. I don't want to speak to anyone. Tired of talking to people. Tired of having emotions, period. It's tiring to react to how people behave. Sometimes I just don't want to smile, don't want to laugh at stupid jokes, don't want to talk. That should be okay right? I mean, how can a person be happy 24/7? But it's not okay, because if I don't smile, don't laugh, people think I have a bad attitude. But I just don't feel like it and it really takes a big effort to try and act nice. I'm probably suffering from 'social fatigue' which I read about in the news the other day. I'm sick of seeing everyone (or at least Some People Who I Dislike Very Much). Before I see them, I have to put on this 'cheerful' mask and I hate it!
Wouldn't it be nice if you could surround yourself with people and things that you love? Following that logic, it would be easier to just start liking everyone around you - but it's impossible because some people are just evil. They do everything for a purpose and are selfish, just plain selfish. How can you like someone like that? They pretend to be nice to everyone but they do it for a reason. Doesn't it make you sick?
Tuesday, January 7, 2003
The problem of thinking too much:
Where's the problem? Is it *you* people who have the problem or it's me? It's probably me right? What is the probability that you all have problems? But what is my problem? I mean, you all act as if I have problems, don't you? Then can someone tell me what my problem is? Because it's driving me nuts thinking about it.
Have a set a standard too high for anyone to reach? Is it my temper? I have a bad temper but I'm improving - and can't anyone see deeper than that and see that at least I'm not a *bad* person under that horrible horrible temper?
Why are you all in your close-knit little groups and I'm always the one outside, wondering why I'm not part of it? WHAT IS WRONG?!
I don't understand. Can someone please explain?
Tuesday, January 7, 2003
What's the relationship between the amount of time you spend with a person (how often you see him/her) and how close you are with him/her? Is there such a relationship?
If you hadn't spent a lot of time with that person, then you never have gotten close in the first place. Supposedly, when you see a person more, that person becomes more and more special to you. But instead, the more you see of a person, the less special each time you see him/her becomes.
Lots of people can still be really close to their friends even if they don't see each other in months, even years. But lots more people drift apart. Perhaps it's true that really really good friends do not need to see each other often to maintain their friendship - but if you make no attempt to find the other person, how does the person know you care and that you are his/her good friend? How can I tell whether I am your really really good friend or just someone forgotten by you? Why am I always last in everyone's list of priorities - or at least it feels that way.
Looking back on my first semester at Uni - I don't know what I was doing. I still don't know what I'm doing.
Saturday, January 4, 2003
New Year's Resolutions - huh! I look around my room and all I see are half finished little 'projects' - the photos I were going to scan, the files I were going to organize, the gifts I was going to give, half-wrapped. I don't understand what's wrong with me - I never ever finish things.
What's wrong with me?
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Sometimes it's so confusing. On one hand, I want to be myself, an individual independent from other people - basically, I want to be someone who doesn't care what other people think and is able to make her own decisions. (you know which kind of people I'm talking about.. I admire them). On the other hand, I just can't stop other people's opinions from affecting me. It's gotten better now I suppose, I let their degree of influence on me drop a bit. What happened is that I am now a person who is affected by other people, but get annoyed at people who can't make decisions. That's not good.
As I'm studying for my exams (or trying to study), there seems to be a blankness, without my lessons and all, life seems sort of .. empty. When I went back to Uni today to hand in my homework, it felt funny and when I tried to study in the dorm, I felt that I didn't belong. Home is always the most comfortable place to be. I wish exams would finish quickly so I can go out and relax. This semester's been too much.
I'm always so insecure. I feel as if I'm everyone's burden and no one wants to speak to me..
Saturday, December 7, 2002
No one would believe me - but I'm scared of crowds. Not scared as in phobia scared, but I don't like crowds. I don't like noise either which seems to be a big contradiction to my character (i'm always the loudest person anyone knows). I feel awkward and uncomfortable and just want to leave asap. I enjoy being alone, but at the same time I'm scared; not of ghosts or anything like that, but of being neglected by everyone else. Yup, when I'm alone, I feel peaceful but at the same time I feel sad and pathetic. Strange.
It's pretty sad being loud sometimes. When everyone thinks you're loud and excited all the time, you feel that it's your obligation to be the cheerful, enthusiastic person in every group and sometimes you just don't feel like it. You feel like locking yourself in a room and sitting there, ignoring the rest of the world but you can't show it, heck, you're not even allowed to feel that way because you're supposed to be Loud n Cheerful. When you're loud, people dislike you and complain that you say too much but they don't realize how cold and sad the whole atmosphere would be without loud people. When you're loud, you're outspoken and things often come out different than you intended. People misinterpret you. People jokingly insult you, and you're supposed to accept it with a laugh.. just because you're supposed to be Loud n Cheerful. But you don't want to, you just want to plead for people to treat you more sensitively.
It's strange when you get to know people better, you find out more and more about him and you realize that no one is what they seem to be. The happiest people are often some of the saddest and everyone seems to suffer from problems that are more serious than my own. I see my problems as being petty and see myself as being pathetic for worrying over those problems when other people have more meaningful things to worry about.
It's the end of my first semester at uni. I think I've grown up a bit. Uni may not be the life-changing experience I expected it to be, but I'm changing, subtly, gradually. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
I should be happy today because:
- I made someone smile
- I made someone laugh loud
- someone made me laugh
- I still remember how to laugh
- I did a project today .. and *enjoyed* the process
- people still care about me
- I learned something today
- I had a snickers bar
- I made a (5 mins) long-distance call to a friend I miss very very much
- I had yummy cake
Friday, October 18, 2002
Sometimes we have really good days, sometimes we have really really bad ones. This is usually when all sorts of weird and scary thoughts fill your head and you start to wonder why you're here, what you're doing etc. etc. It's horrific when you start to question these things.. you don't know what you're talking about.
You probably don't know why you're here when you're having a good day anyway but you just don't talk about it.
Thus, the difference between a good day and a bad day is that you're willing to speak out on a bad day and not a good one.
Sunday, September 29, 2002
The more people I meet, the more I realize that there are basically only a few types of people in the world. Many times I look at a person and see someone else - it's scary. You look at how people react to problems and you suddenly realize that you've seen it all before. Where's all the uniqueness and originality everyone talks about?
Sunday, August 18, 2002
Go away go away go away go away. I'm tired of being part of nothing, of being excluded.. I'm tired of having to guess what secrets people are keeping from me. GO AWAY. Why doesn't anyone come and say hello? I'm nice, in a way, I try to make people feel better and shit. Damn, how long has it been since someone called me instead of me calling her? What is wrong with you people? If I didn't call anybody, I would never ever be on the phone.
Monday, August 5, 2002
Doesn't it make you feel sad when no one ever returns your calls as they promised they would, your inbox only has junk mail, everybody else ignores you, no one would go out and eat dessert with you when it seems like that's the only thing that you want to do anymore, no one thinks of you, no one really cares how you feel, sleep is more important than you are, you have work to do but don't know how to do it, everybody else's days are better, funner and happier than yours, nobody remembers who you are, nobody would stay up the whole night just to make you feel better, you can't sleep and just nothing in the world would make you feel better.. except dessert..but no one would eat it with you?
Monday, July 8, 2002
Some people spend too much time caring about stuff that they really makes no sense. Like who gets the better post in a committee. Things that you will forget 5 years later. You're president for a year, big deal, no one remembers you after 3 years. When they throw away the files, no one's ever going to remember that you did everything. So why get so worked up about a thing like that?
That's why people are so strange. Little, stupid, things irk us. It's quite sad really,
But the ironic thing is, when I think about it, I am probably just the same.
Sunday, July 7, 2002
Things I take for granted:
warm, clean, dry, towels, clean underwear, water in the jug, knowing where your swimsuit is, dinner, lunch, breakfast, someone waking you up.
Maybe you take these thinks for granted too.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
I found this when I was studying for Eng.Lit today: "our lives become not what we want but what others want for us" - I think it's true.. except, to be more exact, we don't become what others want for us, but what we think they want for us. So much of our (my) time is spent thinking what other people want me to do, and sometimes sub-consciously I do things, just so that people would agree that I am doing the right thing, though I don't necessarily think it's the Right Thing. If everyone thinks I should, they can't all be wrong, could they?
I don't think that's wrong either - doing things 'for' other people because we aren't really doing it for the sake of pleasing other people. In the end, we just want to please ourselves because having other people agree with you feels good and you feel smart and loved... what can be wrong with that?
Saturday, June 8, 2002
Miracles don't happen
I'm not being bitter or angry or anything - but miracles really don't happen. Take for example, today's World Cup match China vs Brazil. China just isn't ready to win Brazil yet and no miracles are going to happen.
I should have understood that miracles don't happen. You're not always that lucky. When I don't work hard, it shows.. it really shows. That's the biggest disappointment, realizing that you won't make it - because you have been lazy.
That, is the saddest thing of all. But sometimes we've got to experience faliures too I guess.
Saturday, June 8, 2002
I am an Angry Girl. This is going to be my Angry Girl journal, where I rant about things that are too sad/stupid/crazy/offensive to be written in my other journal. I like pitas.
Don't read this if you're easily offended (like me).